Week LXVII (400): Life Is Snort


The barn's on fire. The BARN is on fire. The barn is on FIRE. The barn IS on fire. I SAID, the barn is on fire. It's burning to the ground. Cows screaming. The horses going nuts. Chickens running around like their heads have been cut off. Smoke. Flames. Death. Destruction. THE BARN IS ON FIRE ALREADY. Look, what part of "woof woof" don't you understand?

-- Lassie, Universal Studios, Hollywood, Calif.

Marriage is a sacred institution. Yadda yadda yadda. I don't think people understand how hard it is to live up to a fairy tale. The pressure alone can wilt you. You tell me: Whose kiss is really all that magical? Ever after turns out to be a whole lot longer than it sounds. And then there's that handsome-prince part. Don't get me started.  

-- Chuck Windsor, London

Well, maybe just one more.

-- Robert Downey Jr., Culver City, Calif.

This week's contest is based on the "Life Is Short" feature that appears weekly in the Sunday Style section. "Life Is Short" challenges readers to give insight into their lives in under 100 words -- to write an autobiographical haiku of sorts. Understanding our neighbors is all fine and good, but we felt "Life Is Short" could benefit from a little more Star Power. With that in mind, write a "Life Is Short" entry -- in under 100 words with all that good insight junk -- only doing it in the voice of a celebrity, living or dead, as in the above examples. First-prize winner gets a clown-face ice cream scooper that sings "Happy Birthday" as you scoop. Says here this is an $ 11.95 value marked down to $ 2.79.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to losers@washpost.com; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 14. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest (signs with missing letters) is by Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa., who wins a T-shirt.

REPORT FROM WEEK LXIII (396), in which we asked readers to "breed" any two horses on a list of Triple Crown qualifiers and name the offspring.

As usual, this annual contest drew thousands and thousands of entries from suddenly crazed readers. Perennial overfiler Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., was relatively restrained this year, with her fax of 135 names far outdone by the 422 sent via a diarrheic torrent of e-mailings by Russell Beland of Springfield.

Some of this year's horse names invited jokes so obvious that we don't have to bother printing them. Wicked Will! Our Lil Affair! Procreate! Squirtle Squirt! You think we got a few Monica, Jesse and Viagra jokes out of those? But we also got a lot of entries we thought were marvelously original -- a horse named Dubai Dubai Do; an enema joke on This Fleet Is Due -- until a dozen identical ones followed. So if your favorite entry isn't listed below, it was probably just so good that the rest of the world agreed with you. Or maybe it just stank.

But because so many entries didn't stink, we're going to -- just this once -- share 159 more of the best with you on the Style Invitational Web page at www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/style/

[diam]Sixth runner-up: Mozart x Freud = Pianist Envy (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

[diam]Fifth runner-up: Impressionist x Rude Cat = Clawed Monet (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.)

[diam]Fourth runner-up: My Two Sons x Al Barrak = Boyz N Ehud (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley)

[diam]Third runner-up: King Charlemagne x Baseball Champion = Holy Roman Umpire (Russell Beland, Springfield; Harold Mantle, Darnestown)

[diam]Second runner-up:Mark of Royalty x Butterfly Boy = PrinceCharles'Ears (Sarah Welbourne, Alexandria)

[diam]First runner-up:Burning Roma x Saints and Angels = Torched ByAn Angel (David McEwan, Ellicott City)

[diam]And the winner of the garish Kentucky Derby tie: IsleEMailYou x Ideal Cut = You've Got Mohel (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

A Life in Music x Phone Ruler = Yo-Yo Ma Bell (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Matta x Rocky Falls = Watsamatta U (Randall Kunkel, Dale City)

Victory Roar x Denied = Professor Gore (Catherine Messina, Alexandria)

Pure Prize x Military Tune = Taps Blue Ribbon (Jason C. Vogel, Syracuse, N.Y.)

King Snake x Perigee Moon = The Full Monty (Katie Mulligan, Annapolis)

Unreal Party x Lethal Agenda = MyDinnerW/Hannibal (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Keats x Assmar = Truth Is Booty (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Beckett x Procreate = Mating for Godot (Rod Ewing, York, England)

Beckett x Quick Rib = Waiting for To-Go (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria)

Beckett x So Urgent = Godot Can't Wait (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Texas Scramble x The Goo = OmeletFromDenny's (Elizabeth Sharp, Spotsylvania, Va.)

Solitary Vision x Greek Star = Cyclops (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Impressionist x Horrible Evening = Sorry Sorry Night (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington)

Impressionist x Invisible Ink = Where'd He Gogh (Judith Cottrill, New York)

DanTheDealmaker x Free Thoughts = $ 20 Per Thought (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Lois's Legacy x Delightful Moment = Clark Kent Jr. (Matt Christianson, Washington)

Comic Genius x West Order = Go West Youngman (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Date More Minors x Glen's Gambler = 15'll Get You 20 (Randall Kunkel, Dale City)

Dim Sums x Dynamite Cat = Tonight's Entree (E. Owens, Washington)

Crafty C.T. x It's So Simple = Just Copy Scalia (Mike Geary, Arlington)

Elmo's Song x Distilled = Pickle Me Elmo (Rod Ewing, York, England)

Irish Lure x Great Bloom = Yes I Will Yes (Eve Tushnet, New Haven, Conn.)

Jamaican Rum x Dr Greenfield = Bacardiologist (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Quite Careless x Palmiero = E3

(Chris Kaufman, Glenn Dale)

Shake the Dice x Denied = Sorry but No Dice (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Freud x Going Boldly = Cigar Trek (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Private Son x Wheat Penny = Lower GI Ceres (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Mercenary x Celtic Silence = This Gun for Eire (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Mozart x Credit Crunch = Mortgage of Figaro (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mozart x Saint Damien = SymphonyForTheDevil (Heather Dugan, New Castle, Pa.)

Tony's Loc x Project Hope = Tony's Comb-Over (Frank Hobbs, Springfield)

Quwaqeb x Szep = Hell if I Know (Sid Perkins, Alexandria)

Tru Bull x Norway = Fjord Taurus (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley; Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring)

AffairInTheForest x My Two Sons = Next Time on Jerry (Matt Christianson, Washington)

Al Khaaser x Selsaal = Al Khaselser (Leo Scanlon, Montgomery Village)

Assmar x Saved by the Sword = Edward II (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria)

Unreal Party x Race on Green = Ralph's Nadir (Brooke Rector, Greenbelt)

Verdi x Drive = Anagram (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Wicked Will x You Know Who = Lord Voldemort (Samantha Tempchin, Rockville)

You Know Who x Palmeiro = Who's on First (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

[diam]The Uncle's Pick: Our Little Affair x Unprecedented = Impeachment (Joseph Romm, Washington)

The Uncle Explains: A clever play on words. It was indeed unprecedented that because of Bill Clinton's affair, the nation was almost . . . unpresidented.

The Also-Rans

Abduction x Early Flyer = Wright and Wrong (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)

Act of Reform x Airy Hill = Still in Committee (Glenn VanDerWoude, Silver Spring)

Action Request x Bank = Dontholdyourbreath (John Kammer, Herndon)

Action Request x Broad Initiative = NOW Dammit (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Action Request x Pure Prize = Gimme a $@#! Shirt (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Adios My Friend x Coke's Tribute = Parting Blow (Susan Krys, Bethesda)

Adios My Friend x Dubai World = Dubai Cruel World (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.; Leo Scanlon, Montgomery Village; Russell Beland, Springfield)

Adios My Friend x Lethal Agenda = Hastalavista Baby (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Adios My Friend x Raven King = Bye Bye Birdie (Jim Bradshaw, North Beach, Md.)

Affairintheforest x Awesome Possome = Muscrat Love (Debbie Holbach, Warrenton, Va.)

Affairintheforest x Orientate = Affairinthefareast (Chris Doyle, Burke)

A Life in Music x Coke's Tribute = Teach World t'Sing (Russell Beland, Springfield)

A Life in Music x First Book = Genesis (Ed VanderPloeg, Fairfax)

Assmar x Baseball Champion x Assmar = Adam Clymer (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Bank x Solitary Vision = Savings and Lone (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Bank x La La's Passion = Moola La (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Bank x Wow = Like, Save (Tom Gabriel, Silver Spring)

Barnabus x Frolicus = Rollus in Hayicus (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

Baseball Champion x Coke's Tribute = The Last Straw (Jason C. Vogel, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Beckett x So Urgent = Waiting for Bidet (University of Md. music grad students)

Big Will x Broad Initiative = Anna Nicole Smith (Simon Wegner, Garrett Park)

Blow the World x Fun and Sun = Spring Break (Eric Riback, Charlottesville)

Blow the World x It's So Simple = Put Lips Together (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Blow the World x Jackpot = FatNakedGayGuy (Mark LaBarre, Rockville)

Celtic Silence x Our Little Affair = Sheepish (Debbie Holbach, Warrenton, Va.)

Celtic Silence x Coke's Tribute = The Late Len Bias (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Chairman A.P. x Smooth Wood = ChairmanoftheBoard (Lorri Mechem, Arlington)

Clear Excellance x Orientate = Quayle-W Ticket (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

Clutch Player x Much Too Rough = AAMCO (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Coke's Tribute x Denied = Out of Snorts (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Coke's Tribute x Go Underground = Black Lung (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Coke's Tribute x One Special Judge = Long Dong Silver (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Coke's Tribute x Bank = Snow Bank (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Comic Genius x Chepo Star = Jack Benny (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Comic Genius x Denied = My Entries (Simon Wegner, Garrett Park)

Comic Genius x Lethal Agenda = Speedballs (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Comic Genius x Mr. John = Phil John (Phil John, Arlington)

Credit Crunch x Cathode = Cath Filed Ch. 7 (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria)

Credit Crunch x Hellcat Pilot = Wargoodforeconomy (John Burton, Herndon)

Danthedealmaker x Charming Michael = QB Jordan (Steve Fahey, Kensington; John Woodward, Bethesda)

Danthedealmaker x Duality = DrJerkoAndMrSnyde (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Danthedealmaker x Mercenary = Skins for Sale (James Pierce, Charlottesville)

Daring Pegasus x Going Boldly = Look Out Below (Stu Solomon, Springfield; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Daring Pegasus x Hawkeye = Alda Pretty Horses (Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring)

Date More Minors x Charming Michael = Jackson's Five (Jason C. Vogel, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Date More Minors x Elvis Republic = Jailhouse Bait (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

Date More Minors x Joe's Son Joey = Whattabuttafuoco (Anthony Yeznach, Clackamas, Ore.)

Devil's Dandy x Big Talkin' Man = Dead Man Talkin' (Carol Ostrow, Laurel)

Devil's Dandy x Ring It Up = Hell's Bells (John Drummond, Alexandria; Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.)

Dim Sums x Butterfly Boy = Fuzzy Moth (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Dim Sums x Hawkeye = IRS Audit (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Divine Spirit x Friday's A Comin' = TGIF (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)

Don't Quit on Me x Wires = Gray Davis (Anita Ford, Ft. Meade)

Dynamite Cat x Saved by the Sword = No More Kittens (Paul Rhoads, Frederick)

E Dubai x Selsaal = eBai (David H. Balaban, Charlottesville)

Early Flyer x The Goo = Ickarus (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Elmo's Song x Parents' Reward = Migraine (Clay Daetwyler-Parks, Takoma Park)

Elmo's Song x Scorpion = Dead Elmo (Michele Schottenbauer, Washington)

Elvis Republic x Awesome Possome = Sunday Main Course (Sid Perkins, Alexandria)

Elvis Republic x Trailthefox = Nothinbutahounddog (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington)

Fifty Stars x Horrible Evening = Miss USA Pageant (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Fighting Bull x Corporate Shuffle = Staff Meeting (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.)

Freud x Beckett = VladimirNEstrogen (Mike Byars, Bethesda)

Freud x Dream Run = Run for Neuroses (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Freud x Galileo = Venus Envy (Ed VanderPloeg, Fairfax)

Freud x Phone Ruler = Caller Id (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Freud x Proud Tower = Envy (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio)

Freud x Talk Is Money = Shrink Rap (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Freud x Texas Scramble = Subliminable (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

Hemingway x Divine Hammer = A Farewell to Armand (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

Hemingway x Jackpot = A Farewell to Alms (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Hemingway x Norway = The Son Oslo Rises (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Historical Marker x Our Lil Affair = Presidential DNA (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

Historical Marker x Time to Jet = Yellow Snow (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Ideal Cut x Proud Man = Hugh Bris (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Ideal Cut x Romantic Bull = Steer (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Ideal Cut x Steiners Baby Girl = Bris Gone Awry (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

I Love Silver x Divine Spirit = Metaliturgy (Tom Gabriel, Silver Spring)

I Love Silver x On Sabbatical = The Lonely Ranger (Johnny Casana, Burke; Robert A. Marriot, Alexandria)

I Love Silver x Procreate = CatherineTheGreat (Ed VanderPloeg, Fairfax)

I Love Silver x Stable Secret = The Lone Pervert (Fred Blake, Oakton)

I Love Silver x Stable Secret = Animal Husbandry (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley)

Impressionist x Abduction = TakeTheMonetAndRun (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Impressionist x A Life in Music = Que Sera Seurat (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale)

Impressionist x Baseball Champion = Winslow Homer (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Impressionist x Comic Genius = Debussy Fields (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Impressionist x Dollar Bill = Paper Monet (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Impressionist x Military Tune = Singer Sargent (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Impressionist x Mr. Dillon = Marshall Art (Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring)

Impressionist x Touch Tone = Debussy Signal (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Indygo Shiner x One Special Judge = Judy Blue Eye (Brian Butler, Laurel)

Jamaican Rum x Le Grande Danseur = Ballet Uptothe Bar (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Jamaican Rum x Quite Careless = WokeUpInaDumpster (Matt Christianson, Washington)

Jamaican Rum x Signore Pasquale = Pastafarian (Doreen Jones, Alexandria)

Joe's Son Joey x Ship Shape = Captain Kangaroo (Clay Daetwyler-Parks, Takoma Park)

Kazoo x Verdi = Zamfir's Comeback (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.)

Keats x City Zip = CodeOnaGrecianUrn (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Keats x Funandsun = Odeonagrecianburn (Mike Byars, Bethesda)

Kinetics x Sea to See = Perpetual Ocean (Jim Bradshaw, North Beach, Md.)

King Snake x Perigee Moon = Plumber's Crack (Mark LaBarre, Rockville)

King Snake x Tribute to the Farm = EIEIOWWWWWW (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Le Grande Danseur x Ring It Up = Pavlova's Dogs (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Lethal Agenda x Going Boldly = Murder Most Foal (John P. McCarthy, Annapolis)

Lethal Agenda x Unbridled Vision = Onepointsix Trill (Jim Thompson, Palm Valley, Tex.)

Macho Uno x Silvertongue Fox = Vicentes Nicknames (Eve Tushnet, New Haven, Conn.)

Maroon Creek x Sky of Gold = Sleepy EPA (Robert A. Marriot, Alexandria)

Master Planner x Procreate = L'Enfant (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Media Mogul x Distilled = Turner & Hooch (Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring; John Woodward, Bethesda)

Mozart x American Pastime = Wolfgang DiMaggio (Rory Sanders, Washington)

Mozart x Divine Spirit = Amadeus Ex Machina (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Mozart x Kazoo = The Magic Kazoo (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

Mozart x Voodoo = Black Magic Flute (Rod Ewing, York, England)

My Two Sons x Parents' Reward = They Never Call (Lorraine Polik, Arlington)

My Two Sons x Rough House = Poke Your Eye Out (Kelly Price, Annapolis)

New Program x D'Wildcat = The Weakest Lynx (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

New Program x Military Tune = Washpost.com March (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Paging x Rude Cat = Beeping Tom (Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring)

Private Son x Lucky Scarab = Beetle Bailey (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Procreate x Seeking Daylight = Birth Canal (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Procreate x Our Lil Affair = Lil Child Support (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Procreate x Sound Affects = Ooh-Aah-Yes-Yes (David Banyasz, Chesapeake Beach, Md.; Russell Beland, Springfield)

Procreate x Time to Jet = ReadyRNotHereICome (Anthony Yeznach, Clackamas, Ore.)

Project Hope x Outofthebox = Pandora (Nina Nichols, Arlington)

Proud Tower x Denied = No Trump (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley)

Proud Tower x Freud = WashingtonMonument (Brandon Declet, Washington)

Quick Rib x First Book = Eve (Roy Ashley, Washington; Lorri Mechem, Arlington)

Quick Rib x Standing Applause = Up and Adam (Judith Cottrill, New York)

Quinary x Niner's Echo = Quininininine (Carol Ostrow, Laurel)

Quite Careless x Piccolo Player = That Woman (Charlie Myers, Laurel)

Quite Careless x Raven King = Edgar Allan Putz (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring)

Quite Careless x This Fleet Is Due = This Fleet Is Sunk (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Raven King x Go Underground = Tell-Tale Heart (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

Raven King x La La's Passion = Edgar Allan Po (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

Russian Mystery x Go Underground = Where'sTheTunnel (Rich Weaver, Waldorf)

Russian Mystery x On Sabbatical = Where's the Czar (Russell Beland, Springfield)

She's a Devil Due x Procreate = Rosemary's Baby (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.; Louise Williams, Edgewater)

Sir Rock x Inscrutable = Rosetta Stone (Sandra Yin, Rockville)

Sky Hunter x Flying Hero = Saving Private Orion (Heather Dugan, New Castle, Pa.)

Sky Hunter x Smooth Wood = Orion's BeltSander (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

So Urgent x Adios My Friend = Montezumas Revenge (Doreen Jones, Alexandria)

So Urgent x Squirtle Squirt = Are We There Yet? (Simon Wegner, Garrett Park)

Solitary Vision x Lasersport = DocZapsYourEyeOut (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Solitary Vision x Me and Thee = NotSoSureAboutThee (Dudley Thompson, Rockville)

Special Saint x Duality = Goody Two Shoes (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington)

Spectacular Cat x Dynamite Cat = Exploding Hairball (Debra Gookins, Manassas)

Squirtle Squirt x Historical Marker = Monica Slept Here (Sid Perkins, Alexandria)

Squirtle Squirt x Unbridled Man = Hello Daddy (Debbie Holbach, Warrenton, Va.)

Standing Applause x Bay Eagle = Rah Rah Avis (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Stanley B x Just Allen = What, No Phillips? (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

Sweet Ricky x Date More Minors = La Vida Nono (Brian Butler, Laurel)

Sweet Ricky x Mongoose = Ricky-Tikki-Taffy (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Joseph Romm, Washington)

Texas Scramble x First Book = IsOurKidsLearning (Doreen Jones, Alexandria)

Texas Scramble x Romantic Bull = Texas Oysters (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.)

Topdown x Lov in Excess = RU-486 (Daniel Zwicker, Vienna)

This Fleet Is Due x Date More Minors = Tailhook II (John Kammer, Herndon)

This Fleet Is Due x Papa M and M = Eminem's Enema (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Tru Bull x Without Pretense = Ferdinand (Ann Georgia McCaffray, Sperryville, Va.)

Tribute tothe Farm x Me and Thee = Me I Thee I O (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley)

Ultravase x Baseball Champion = Relief Pitcher (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.)

Ultravase x Romantic Bull = Crock of Bull (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.)

Ultravase x Sky of Gold = Up Ewers (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.)

[Unnamed-1] x Max's Friend = WhoWasAgent99Alex? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Verdi x Divine Hammer = Anvil Chorus (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

Verdi x Elvis Republic = Andrewlloydwebber (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, N.Y.)

Verdi x Scorpion = Aieeeeeeda (Roy Ashley, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Vroom Vroom x Nashville Cat = Road Kill (Judy Sherman, Burtonsville)

Wheat Penny x Greek Star = Lincoln Mercury (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Wicked Will x My Two Sons = Split Heirs (Bob Wilson, Arlington)